What I Say to My Kids When I Mess Up (Because I Do, Often)

Let me tell you a secret I wish more moms would say out loud:
I mess up. A lot.

Sometimes I yell.
Sometimes I shut down.
Sometimes I say something snappy and immediately regret it.

I’ve given bedtime lectures I didn’t mean to give.
I’ve lost my patience over spilled milk.
I’ve cried in the laundry room so they wouldn’t see me fall apart.

And still—I’m a good mom.

Because the truth is: being a good mom doesn’t mean never messing up. It means showing up—even after you do.

So today, I want to share what I say to my kids after the outburst, the overreaction, or the mom guilt storm. These aren’t perfect scripts, just real words from a real mom trying to raise emotionally healthy humans while healing herself.

Why It Matters to Say Something—Even After We Mess Up

A lot of us were raised in homes where apologies didn’t happen. Maybe your parents never said, “I’m sorry,” because they believed being the adult meant being right.

But our kids? They don’t need perfect parents. They need honest ones.
Ones who model accountability.
Ones who teach that emotions are okay, but hurting others isn’t.
Ones who show what repair looks like after a rupture.

Because mistakes will happen. It’s the repair that builds trust.

The Most Common “Mess-Up” Moments (That Happen in My House)

Before I discuss what I say, let me normalize a few things.

1. I Yell

Usually when I’m tired, overstimulated, or feel ignored.
Spoiler: It’s rarely about them—it’s about me feeling out of control.

2. I Tune Out

I pretend to listen while doom-scrolling.
Then I snap at them for interrupting my “mental break.”

3. I Overreact

To a mess. A tone. A forgotten backpack.
I later realize it was never about the backpack—it was about my need for control in a chaotic moment.

4. I Shame (Without Meaning To)

Things like, “Seriously? Why would you do that?”
Ugh. Instant regret.

Sound familiar? If so—deep breath. You’re not alone. This is what rupture looks like. And next comes repair.

What I Say to My Kids When I Mess Up

Let’s talk scripts. The goal isn’t to be robotic—it’s to build emotional safety.

1. “I’m really sorry I yelled. That wasn’t fair to you.”

I say this when my reaction is out of proportion to the situation.

Why it works: It’s short, clear, and models ownership. It teaches them that emotions are okay, but actions still have consequences.

I’ll often add:

“I was feeling overwhelmed, but that’s not your fault. I’m working on better ways to handle my frustration.”

Bonus Tool: I keep a calm-down card deck nearby with emotional regulation prompts—great for me and them.

2. “I made a mistake. Everyone does. Let’s talk about it.”

I use this when I’ve misjudged a situation—like blaming the wrong kid or reacting before getting the full story.

Why it works: It normalizes mistakes and opens the door for honest conversation. It also shifts the power dynamic to mutual respect, not hierarchy.

Sometimes I’ll say:

“I jumped to a conclusion, and that wasn’t fair. Can you help me understand what really happened?”

3. “I was wrong. And I love you.”

These are magic words.

I say them when I’ve said something hurtful—intentionally or not. Maybe I dismissed their feelings. Maybe I brushed them off.

Why it works: Apologizing without “but”s teaches humility. Following it with love restores connection.

I’ll often hug them, then say:

“You’re allowed to be upset. I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk more.”

4. “I’m not proud of how I acted. Can I try again?”

This one invites do-overs. It reminds kids that repair is an active choice.

Why it works: Kids are wired for forgiveness—when we ask for it with sincerity.

Sometimes I’ll say:

“Can we rewind? Let’s both take a breath and start that conversation over.”

Helpful Tip: Use a kids' feelings journal to help them process emotions after conflict—it gives them space when they don’t want to talk yet.

5. “It’s okay to be mad at me.”

Yep. I say this one often.

Especially when I’ve made a mistake that genuinely hurt them and they need space.

Why it works: It honors their emotional autonomy. It says, “You don’t need to make me feel better right now. I’ll hold space for your hurt.”

And then I say:

“I’ll be here when you’re ready. I understand if you need time.”

What Happens After the Apology?

Apologizing doesn’t erase what happened. But it opens the door to healing.

Here’s what I try to do afterward:

• Give hugs, if they’re open to it.

• Do something simple to reconnect (coloring, baking, playing Uno).

• Let them share their side (when ready).

• Say, “Thank you for letting me try again.”

Pro Tip: Create a calm corner or repair space with tools like:
🧸 Stuffed animal with breathing prompts
📖 Mindfulness workbook for kids
🎨 Markers + paper for drawing feelings

What I Remind Myself (So I Can Show Up Better)

Apologizing to our kids is emotional work. Sometimes it stings. Sometimes the guilt creeps in.

Here’s what I repeat to myself:

• “I’m modeling what healing looks like.”

• “This moment doesn’t define me.”

• “They’re learning through me, not in spite of me.”

And on the hardest days:

“Even when I mess up, I’m still the best mom for my kids.”

Small Habits That Help Me Mess Up Less

I’ll never be perfect. But I do try to create space for better reactions.

1. I slow down my yeses and no’s.

Sometimes I say no too fast, then realize I was just overwhelmed.

Now I say:

“Let me think for a second,” or “Can I give you an answer after I take a breath?”

2. I take 1-minute resets

Using a calm breathing necklace, I do deep breaths while they snack or color.

3. I journal when I feel disconnected

Using a simple self-reflection journal, I jot down when I felt triggered—and what I needed in that moment.

When the Repair Doesn’t Feel Instant

Sometimes they don’t want to hear it. That’s okay.

Let your apology land quietly. Give them time. Your consistency is what rebuilds trust.

You can even write a note and leave it on their pillow:

“I’m sorry I was short with you earlier. You didn’t deserve that. I love you more than anything.”

(Yes, I’ve done this more than once. And yes, it helps.)

A Note to the Mom Drowning in Guilt

If you’re reading this while reliving a recent “mom fail” moment—pause.

Put your hand on your heart. Breathe in. And say:

“Messing up doesn’t mean I’m failing. Repair is always possible.”

Your kids don’t need a perfect mom. They need a human one.
A mom who apologizes. Who explains. Who tries again.

That’s what creates secure attachment.
That’s what teaches them empathy, forgiveness, and resilience.

And you’re doing it. Even now. Just by reading this. You’re already doing the work.

Gentle Tools That Support This Work (Amazon Finds)

Here are the tools mentioned above that I keep in my own mom “emotional toolkit”:

• Calm-Down Cards for Kids – great for regulation scripts

• Kids’ Feelings Journal – helps them express what they’re not ready to say out loud

• Mindfulness Workbook for Kids – calming prompts and activities

• Breathing Necklace for Moms – for 1-minute resets

• Reflection Journal for Moms – track what triggers your guilt and what you actually need

These are gentle helpers—not magic wands. But they’ve made our home feel softer.

Final Thoughts: Say Something, Even If It’s Not Perfect

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:

It’s not the yelling. It’s the repair.
It’s not the mistake. It’s what comes after.

You won’t get it right every time. Neither will your kids. But that’s okay—because you’re modeling what healthy humans do:

They mess up.
They own it.
They try again.

And that’s more powerful than perfection will ever be.